That being said, since i've started my own business i've had a lot of... let's say, down time. At first i had multiple shoots every week, i was doing alright in the cash department, and I really felt like I was sitting pretty. Then senior portraits season ended and I pretty much didn't have anything else to fill my time. I got a job subcontracting with a company and helping them with their shoots, but even that has teetered out quite a bit. So i find myself at home, doing whatever I can to fill my time.
At first I was super gung ho about getting my name out there and building business. But after multiple failed attempts at getting new clients I have to say I kinda gave up. Nothing seemed to be working. On top of that, my initial motivation began to drain away. I hit, it seemed, a slump that i could not get out of. There seemed to be an endless loop of negative things that continued to put more gas on the fire of motivationless laze with which my life was living. I must confess that my spiritual life took a beating. I stopped praying, reading my Bible, or even trying. I was upset that all my success had been ripped away (or so it seemed).
This has gone on for a few weeks now, with only a couple of days here and there that have been life giving. And now i've finally started to apply for jobs. I was really hoping that my business would sustain me since I have way more joy when i've got photography work. Now I'm facing a reality of putting food on the table and keeping the rent coming. All the while I have been, sometimes purposefully it seems, separating my self from God. It's amazing to me how i can "know" the Bible and "know" truths about God and who He is and the way he does things, but as soon as hardship comes, all that goes out the window and I pout like a spoiled child.
So why write this post? Well because I'm still in the middle of it all. It's still hard to wake up in the morning. It's hard to do anything except watch youtube videos and eat food and sleep. A dark cloud has settled over my mind and I can't seem to shake it. And honeslty i don't know why i'm writing this in my blog, it's not exactly something I want everyone to know. But I process well when I write, and I'm social so I guess it makes sense. Also, I'm hoping that this is the first step to getting out of this funk. I want to be a man who provides for his family and is spiritually stable and stands firm through the storm. Not some mamby pamby who gets tossed about by a summer breeze. So I'll keep you posted on what happens. My goals are to 1) read Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald, a book which so far has been excellent, 2) get my time budgeted out on a calendar so i can reference it, 3) Have daily time with the Lord, 4) Work out 3-4 times a week.
